I wish I knew the creator of this amazing gif file. If you know the artist I want to give them credit for this amazing piece of digital art.
As I move through the grief in my soul I am looking for the blessings amongst the curses. I am doing my best not to be blinded by sadness. I know my loved ones who have passed would not want to see me sad all the time. I know my Mom would be finding a way to laugh and connect with loved ones here on Earth. Those loved ones are very much cherished in my heart.
They live on because I can share the stories that they shared with me. As long as I do not forget they are still alive in spirit. They live on in the children that are right here right now, and sharing the same love as the ones we lost.
The greatest happiness in my life are
They are beautiful inside and outside. Seeing them grow and become amazing adults makes my heart sing. It is bittersweet. They can take care of themselves. They are always willing to help others. They are kind, but they know how to defend themselves from negativity. They have seen both signs of the coin in humanity. They understand that being and doing good things brings more good things to life. They understand that lying, hating, and just being mean is only going to make matters worse.
My youngest son was bullied in elementary school. Him and I discussed why bullies bully. The next day he went to his bully rather than trying to hide. He went straight up to his bully and said. “I have more friends than you because your mean. If you stop being mean we all can be your friends.” They were friends til they graduated.
My son is in college now. In his lifetime he has saved 3 people from drowning. He started to swim in the bathtub. At the age of 2 I was in the baby pool with him and his twin sisters. He was going to follow his father, but realized his dad was not going to the big pool. He turned around and jumped in deep end and started swimming back to the baby pool. He swam all the way underwater. He got to the ladder in the shallow end and asked me if he could do it again. Of course, I let him because I seen the spark in his eye. He still loves water, and swims better then his father.
He saved me from undiagnosed diabetes. He was still in elementary school. When he could not wake me up he gave me the same medicine my grandma gave to him. A piece of candy. He would put candy in my mouth and watch me til I woke up. That boy… no he is a man now… is amazing. Nothing rattles him. Even being on fire does not scare him. He told me “I just put out the fire. Can you please buy me some new jeans, socks, shirt, and a snack for tomorrow during break in classes.”
He is a man now and I love him so much it is worth risking the pain to have him in my life. I was told I could not have more children. 3 years later I was pregnant with him. At 2 days old he looked me in the eye and his eyes were sparkling as if he knew a joke he could not tell yet. Shortly after he was born I found out I was pregnant with twins. Three babies in 2 years is not recommended, but my prayers to have a child were answered. I still am amazed that God brought them into my life. I Thank God everyday for the blessings he sent me in the children he wanted to bring into this world. I love them all just as much as I love those that passed.
Yes, Love is worth the Risk!
“There is no grief like the grief that does not speak.” -Henry Wordsworth
I do not feel happy. I am heart broken. Those who have left this Earth for the beauty and love in the realm of peace. I know they are not suffering. I know that they want their loved ones to be happy. Yet, I am still in the midst of grief. The stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance is not set in stone. Each person grieves in their own way, and will pass thru the 5 states of emotion.
I am still in denial, yet I accept the truth. I am angry because I cannot call my Mom or my Dad for advise. I am mad that my brother and I will not share those precious family moments that kept up strong to survive our youth. My friends who have passed way to young I am angry they never grew out of their 20’s. They choose to continued to feed addictions that were strong enough to kill them. My loved ones that killed themselves I am really mad at because they never tried to reach out. I feel so alone even in a crowd. My body will be there, but I feel scattered as the stars.
I am so depressed I do not want to leave my bedroom. I just want to wrap myself in blankets and try to deny that my heart is broken. I have been holding back my tears because they can bring on a horrible migraine. It makes me feel callous while trying to protect myself from pain.
I have no motivation. I just want to hide. I know it is not right, but that is all I can do right now. I want to write my own list of happiness, but it is hard for me to see the happy in my little part of the world. I cannot read blogs due to distraction of my depression, my pain, and the empty feeling in my heart. I am forcing myself to write these words. If only to mark this pain I have right now.
I lost all those who I could talk to when the times get rough in my life. So I am turning to this blog so I can “release” the emotions that I am drowning in.
My list of happiness – http://wp.me/p6l2nd-Y
I am going to try creating my own list of what makes me happy. I hope this is a Link back or a reblog. I know I will forget.
I nominate anyone that wants to do this.
The Sunshine Blogger Award is being passed to you!
I am reblogging it so I can answer the questions someday.
Today, I am just exhausted and heartbroken.
Anand has nominated me for Sunshine blogger award. Anand, thank you for nominating, it’s an honor to be nominated by a lovely and kind person like yourself. Please visit Anand’s blog here: https://blabberwockying.wordpress.com/ it will definitely enrich your life.
Here are the rules:
- Thank the person/people who nominated you. [ Link Back]
- Answer the questions from your nominators.
- Nominate eleven other bloggers and give them eleven questions.
Here are my answers to Anand’s questions:
- If you can transport yourself into one of your favourite books, where (what book world) would you go and why?
My answer might be surprising to some, but I will definitely choose Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte. It is an epic novel full of love, passion, revenge, hate, good vs evil, etc. This dark romance is a true insight to the human mind and soul where love can take many forms. I absolutely love the characters…
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Thanks for the tips. I am not going to install it!
I have been busy with family and trying to find a way to be ok with the fact my brother will never hug me again. He passed away on the 3rd. His body was found on the 6th. This is really bothering me since we do not yet know how he died. His body was so bad the detectives would not let us enter the house. It was set up as a crime scene. Totally floored me. The house is a biohazard even after his body was removed. I feel very empty and not as excited about writing.
I am still reading blogs for those of you who bring me humor, wisdom, and great advice. Thank-You all for warning me about windows 10. I was going to install it, but then I found out about my brother and chaos quickly took me away from my blog and the book I am working on.
Thanks Everyone for listening. I am not sure if I can survive the loss of so many friends and family. My parents and my brother and best friends.. I pray they found peace. ❤
Blogging 101 has been on hold for me. I might continue with the session, but right now I am just stunned. Numb. Feeling like I am floating in another world.
Sad news hit me like a ton of bricks on Thursday. My brother was found dead in his home. My son who lived close by seen the police and the paramedics. He called me right away. He had to say it 3 times before I could comprehend.
“Mom. The paramedics and police are at [your brother’s house]”. I asked if he knew anything yet. He just said mom “he is dead”. The paramedics left without him. The cops are all over and asking questions. They don’t know if it was murder or suicide.
I arrived as quickly as I could. The officers were treating it as a murder scene. They asked all sorts of questions and answered mine. I wanted to go inside and identify him. They informed me there is nothing that I would recognize. He has been dead for 4 days based on neighbor testimony. They would not let me go and see his body. I know it is a good thing because they were going to have to use dental records and DNA to ID him.
The medical examiner stated he died from his MS and malnutrition. There was no murder or suicide. Why the police and detectives put us thru the pain of such actions I have no idea. I am angry that they did put my family and I thru that ordeal.
It is still hard to believe that he is gone. Yes, he was mean. Yes, I have not seen him in a year because he assaulted me. Yes, my son did not want me to be around him because my brother always found a way to hurt me. Yes, he had friends that lived the same lifestyle he choose to live.
He was still my brother. The happiness, joy, and pure love he had as a child burned out each time my dad beat him. I watched as the beatings turned my brother mean. I could not prevent it. All I can do now is hope he finally found some peace. My children never knew my brother as kind. They seen the mean man that arose out of the ashes of abuse.
It is a sad world, and today I cry for the happy brother I once knew. Many others will not cry because they never seen him without the dark cloud of hate hovering in his soul. I will never forget his laughter as we played at the beach. I will not forget the fun we had playing in 4 foot drifts of snow. I will not forget that everyone thought we were twins. I love him and always will. I hope that he is finally at peace with our mother and father in the otherworld. My sister and I are still alive and have amazing children that are becoming adults. We give our children what we never got as children. We turned a curse into a blessing. I see that blessing in the eyes of my children, my niece, and my nephews.
This is a quick blog today. The assignment was to greet new neighbors. I have been doing that since I created this new blog. I have a lot of work to do today. If I am not brain fried, then I might be back to check on what is going on with Blogging 101.
I will have to make certain I visit some of my new friends blogs if there is the possibility. My new meds are making me sleepy. I am hoping that subsides as I get used to taking it.
Thanks Everyone for taking time to see what I have to say. I hope everyone has a good day.
I question the motives. It would redefine the type of treatment for alcoholism. Growing up with parents who were heavy drinkers I find it disturbing that the study is not taking into count the impact “heavy drinkers” are to their family.
I’m not talking about me. I am most definitely an alcoholic. I am talking about this study that came out a few days ago — published by the CDC. It says, something to the effect, that most hard-core drinkers are not classified as alcoholics. I cracked up when I saw several social media posts (referring to it) stating “yeah, take this b*tch, I told you I didn’t have a drinking problem”.
It busts me up that some folks are using this to “prove” they don’t have alcoholism. Don’t get me wrong, I am not lacking empathy, it is just that (for me) there is no scientific study that could have diagnosed my “crazy”. It was up to me, to determine my alcohol problem. My denial was thicker than any empirical science, known to humankind.
In any case, I would have blown the story off, but it has some series “legs”. Almost all the major media outlets have…
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