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Blogging 101 has been on hold for me. I might continue with the session, but right now I am just stunned. Numb. Feeling like I am floating in another world.

Sad news hit me like a ton of bricks on Thursday. My brother was found dead in his home. My son who lived close by seen the police and the paramedics. He called me right away. He had to say it 3 times before I could comprehend.

“Mom. The paramedics and police are at [your brother’s house]”. I asked if he knew anything yet. He just said mom “he is dead”. The paramedics left without him. The cops are all over and asking questions. They don’t know if it was murder or suicide.

I arrived as quickly as I could. The officers were treating it as a murder scene. They asked all sorts of questions and answered mine. I wanted to go inside and identify him. They informed me there is nothing that I would recognize. He has been dead for 4 days based on neighbor testimony. They would not let me go and see his body. I know it is a good thing because they were going to have to use dental records and DNA to ID him.

The medical examiner stated he died from his MS and malnutrition. There was no murder or suicide. Why the police and detectives put us thru the pain of such actions I have no idea. I am angry that they did put my family and I thru that ordeal.

It is still hard to believe that he is gone. Yes, he was mean. Yes, I have not seen him in a year because he assaulted me. Yes, my son did not want me to be around him because my brother always found a way to hurt me. Yes, he had friends that lived the same lifestyle he choose to live.

He was still my brother. The happiness, joy, and pure love he had as a child burned out each time my dad beat him. I watched as the beatings turned my brother mean. I could not prevent it. All I can do now is hope he finally found some peace. My children never knew my brother as kind. They seen the mean man that arose out of the ashes of abuse.

It is a sad world, and today I cry for the happy brother I once knew. Many others will not cry because they never seen him without the dark cloud of hate hovering in his soul. I will never forget his laughter as we played at the beach. I will not forget the fun we had playing in 4 foot drifts of snow. I will not forget that everyone thought we were twins. I love him and always will. I hope that he is finally at peace with our mother and father in the otherworld. My sister and I are still alive and have amazing children that are becoming adults. We give our children what we never got as children. We turned a curse into a blessing. I see that blessing in the eyes of my children, my niece, and my nephews.

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