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“There is no grief like the grief that does not speak.” -Henry Wordsworth

I do not feel happy. I am heart broken. Those who have left this Earth for the beauty and love in the realm of peace. I know they are not suffering. I know that they want their loved ones to be happy. Yet, I am still in the midst of grief. The stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance is not set in stone. Each person grieves in their own way, and will pass thru the 5 states of emotion.

I am still in denial, yet I accept the truth. I am angry because I cannot call my Mom or my Dad for advise. I am mad that my brother and I will not share those precious family moments that kept up strong to survive our youth. My friends who have passed way to young I am angry they never grew out of their 20’s. They choose to continued to feed addictions that were strong enough to kill them. My loved ones that killed themselves I am really mad at because they never tried to reach out. I feel so alone even in a crowd. My body will be there, but I feel scattered as the stars.

I am so depressed I do not want to leave my bedroom. I just want to wrap myself in blankets and try to deny that my heart is broken. I have been holding back my tears because they can bring on a horrible migraine. It makes me feel callous while trying to protect myself from pain.

I have no motivation. I just want to hide. I know it is not right, but that is all I can do right now. I want to write my own list of happiness, but it is hard for me to see the happy in my little part of the world. I cannot read blogs due to distraction of my depression, my pain, and the empty feeling in my heart. I am forcing myself to write these words. If only to mark this pain I have right now.

I lost all those who I could talk to when the times get rough in my life. So I am turning to this blog so I can “release” the emotions that I am drowning in.