Ha! This proves it. I was just jumping out of my skin … thanks PTSD. Just the notification sounds on phones and computers startle the curl out of me. When I am scared I don’t cower in a corner all the time sometimes I come out fighting and floating like a bee.
That is when pain strikes me. My blood pressure soars me into pain in my brain. It knocks me to the ground, but I get back up. I work thru the pain and go hide in my dark room with frozen rice bags. [They work great, but don’t try to do a quick cool down with a frozen bag of rice. They can explode due to the change in temperature and humidity. Laughter is good medicine unless you have a migraine.] Lets not forget the various medications that are required to keep me calm according to my doctors. The meds knock me down, but sometimes I actually feel I can write. [sometimes I should not be signing myself up for something I do not remember doing.]
Ok, so I am signed up and waiting to find out what I agreed to do when I forgot what I did. The sound scared me then seeing what I signed up for scared me. I doubt I will be able to keep deadlines and complete all the assignments. My body betrays several times in a day, and I forgive it daily. I am having a migraine now because I was startled so bad my head and heart hurt. Doc said it is strong. They had better not be wrong.
Migraines, spasms, and panic attacks really make me look like I am totally crazy. Well, it is NOT the first time I have called myself that horrible horrible word. I started using it to describe myself because everyone called me crazy when I was a kid. That is a long tale for another blog.
Right now, I am just thinking out loud about that fact I was normal for growing in abnormal situations. PTSD… will haunt me even as I struggle to be free. It hurts when people ignore the person that is being abused. I used to be that kid carrying the weight of fear so deep inside. I refuse to be that adult with sad eyes shaking my head rather than opening my heart and my mouth and speaking the truth.