Music is more then for our ears. Amazing!

I know I started this blog hoping I would have time to just put some words to a screen and share with others. I have been reading blogs, but really am in a deep depression. That is a topic for another day.

Music always helps soothe my soul. A friend shared the following video. I have heard it many times. I have to say… Youtube is always a great source where I am blessed to be able to embed videos. This video has been going around the social circles. Every time I hear it I am always amazed.

The Dark is Always at the Edge of Light

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One cannot be seen without the other. Dark vs Light are just one set of opposites found in the lives of humanity. Good vs Bad. You know the good survives and the bad gets put away or dies. I feel I am always balancing between the two opposites. Blessings vs Curses.

There is always an equal and opposite reaction for every action. I have done my best to survive when no one helped me. Then those that knew who I was before my brain injury have passed into heaven. I feel very alone, and desperate to run as fast as I can away from the cursed house that claimed my brother’s life.

Peace of my soul will not have full peace until I know exactly how he passed and when he passed. Undefined is not acceptable. Yet, I don’t want to know. I am just going to look at the blessing of this curse. My brother is no longer in pain, but I am left here on earth with the pain of my invisible scars. PTSD is never really gone. It just jumps into action when there is a stressor.

PTSD only increases my issues of not sleeping, nightmares, anxiety, depression, and my memory. I have had a  headache all week and was blaming in my stress. Today while cleaning the garage, I remembered why my head hurt so bad. I almost knocked myself out when I stood up and bashed the top of my head on the workbench while moving stuff so I can move more stuff so I can bring more stuff home.

Then I wondered if the workbench just knocked me on the head to redirect me… Maybe it is time to give up having a workshop where I can be left alone to create something.

An artist without any ideas……….

My brain is still twisted

or is it my heart.

I don’t know.

I just do not know

where to go from here.

What, Why, and Where…………….

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I am not sure where. I am not sure why. I do know somewhere I read that people using too many categories and tags are just out to gather attention to their blog/s. They might be true, but they have my intentions all wrong. That is focusing on the audience that would benefit from my weird wisdom is exactly what someone out there needs to read.

I have gone thru so many gates of hell that I fear little. Blame me for using too many categories. Blame me for too many tags. I do not concern myself with those seeking to cut down my tree of happiness. It’s bark is tough, rugged, and has survived more than you can imagine. I fought my demons, and my God is so much stronger than they expect.

I do the best I can to follow my heart because that is where the Angels leave messages from God that keep me moving forward. Trust me I can move backward too fast sometimes, but I do my best to turn myself around when my heart guides me.

My faith in teaching others happiness trumps those who have not been called to a ministry. Yes, I am a Reverend, but not one with a parish. I believe the ones that attend church are not the ones needing the help. I help those everyone else bypasses on their daily walk. My ministry is focused on them.

I created this blog to write about what I choose. If you think I am using too many tags or categories, then that is on you. I use them to benefit others to help them, and let them know they not alone in the struggles of life. It is my joy to help those that need it the most.

Thanks for reading… Until next time…

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As I move through the grief in my soul I am looking for the blessings amongst the curses. I am doing my best not to be blinded by sadness. I know my loved ones who have passed would not want to see me sad all the time. I know my Mom would be finding a way to laugh and connect with loved ones here on Earth. Those loved ones are very much cherished in my heart.

They live on because I can share the stories that they shared with me. As long as I do not forget they are still alive in spirit. They live on in the children that are right here right now, and sharing the same love as the ones we lost.

The greatest happiness in my life are 

my children.

They are beautiful inside and outside. Seeing them grow and become amazing adults makes my heart sing. It is bittersweet. They can take care of themselves. They are always willing to help others. They are kind, but they know how to defend themselves from negativity. They have seen both signs of the coin in humanity. They understand that being and doing good things brings more good things to life. They understand that lying, hating, and just being mean is only going to make matters worse.

My youngest son was bullied in elementary school. Him and I discussed why bullies bully. The next day he went to his bully rather than trying to hide. He went straight up to his bully and said. “I have more friends than you because your mean. If you stop being mean we all can be your friends.” They were friends til they graduated.

My son is in college now. In his lifetime he has saved 3 people from drowning. He started to swim in the bathtub. At the age of 2  I was in the baby pool with him and his twin sisters. He was going to follow his father, but realized his dad was not going to the big pool. He turned around and jumped in deep end and started swimming back to the baby pool. He swam all the way underwater. He got to the ladder in the shallow end and asked me if he could do it again. Of course, I let him because I seen the spark in his eye. He still loves water, and swims better then his father.

He saved me from undiagnosed diabetes. He was still in elementary school. When he could not wake me up he gave me the same medicine my grandma gave to him. A piece of candy. He would put candy in my mouth and watch me til I woke up. That boy… no he is a man now… is amazing. Nothing rattles him. Even being on fire does not scare him. He told me “I just put out the fire. Can you please buy me some new jeans, socks, shirt, and a snack for tomorrow during break in classes.”

He is a man now and I love him so much it is worth risking the pain to have him in my life. I was told I could not have more children. 3 years later I was pregnant with him. At 2 days old he looked me in the eye and his eyes were sparkling as if he knew a joke he could not tell yet. Shortly after he was born I found out I was pregnant with twins. Three babies in 2 years is not recommended, but my prayers to have a child were answered. I still am amazed that God brought them into my life. I Thank God everyday for the blessings he sent me in the children he wanted to bring into this world. I love them all just as much as I love those that passed.

Yes, Love is worth the Risk!

Happiness in Grieving?

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“There is no grief like the grief that does not speak.” -Henry Wordsworth

I do not feel happy. I am heart broken. Those who have left this Earth for the beauty and love in the realm of peace. I know they are not suffering. I know that they want their loved ones to be happy. Yet, I am still in the midst of grief. The stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance is not set in stone. Each person grieves in their own way, and will pass thru the 5 states of emotion.

I am still in denial, yet I accept the truth. I am angry because I cannot call my Mom or my Dad for advise. I am mad that my brother and I will not share those precious family moments that kept up strong to survive our youth. My friends who have passed way to young I am angry they never grew out of their 20’s. They choose to continued to feed addictions that were strong enough to kill them. My loved ones that killed themselves I am really mad at because they never tried to reach out. I feel so alone even in a crowd. My body will be there, but I feel scattered as the stars.

I am so depressed I do not want to leave my bedroom. I just want to wrap myself in blankets and try to deny that my heart is broken. I have been holding back my tears because they can bring on a horrible migraine. It makes me feel callous while trying to protect myself from pain.

I have no motivation. I just want to hide. I know it is not right, but that is all I can do right now. I want to write my own list of happiness, but it is hard for me to see the happy in my little part of the world. I cannot read blogs due to distraction of my depression, my pain, and the empty feeling in my heart. I am forcing myself to write these words. If only to mark this pain I have right now.

I lost all those who I could talk to when the times get rough in my life. So I am turning to this blog so I can “release” the emotions that I am drowning in.

The Sunshine Blogger Award

I nominate anyone that wants to do this.

The Sunshine Blogger Award is being passed to you!

I am reblogging it so I can answer the questions someday.

Today, I am just exhausted and heartbroken.

Voyager of freedom

Anand has nominated me for Sunshine blogger award. Anand, thank you for nominating, it’s an honor to be nominated by a lovely and kind person like yourself. Please visit Anand’s blog here: https://blabberwockying.wordpress.com/ it will definitely enrich your life.

Here are the rules:

  1. Thank the person/people who nominated you. [ Link Back]
  2. Answer the questions from your nominators.
  3. Nominate eleven other bloggers and give them eleven questions.

Here are my answers to Anand’s questions:

  1. If you can transport yourself into one of your favourite books, where (what book world) would you go and why?

My answer might be surprising to some, but I will definitely choose Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte.  It is an epic novel full of love, passion, revenge, hate, good vs evil, etc. This dark romance is a true insight to the human mind and soul where love can take many forms. I absolutely love the characters…

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Monday Update…….

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I have been busy with family and trying to find a way to be ok with the fact my brother will never hug me again. He passed away on the 3rd. His body was found on the 6th. This is really bothering me since we do not yet know how he died. His body was so bad the detectives would not let us enter the house. It was set up as a crime scene. Totally floored me. The house is a biohazard even after his body was removed. I feel very empty and not as excited about writing.

I am still reading blogs for those of you who bring me humor, wisdom, and great advice. Thank-You all for warning me about windows 10. I was going to install it, but then I found out about my brother and chaos quickly took me away from my blog and the book I am working on.

Thanks Everyone for listening. I am not sure if I can survive the loss of so many friends and family. My parents and my brother and best friends.. I pray they found peace. ❤