Thank-you all who have been patient with me. I cannot express how much it means to me. Thanks for those that reached out to me during this time in my life. It is priceless what you give so freely. I wish everyone around the world could have such good friends(online & offline).
After losing my mother, my father, and my brother, I am no longer the person I used to be. I did go thru a time of being bitter and feeling the “why me’s”. Then I just became numb. It is easier not to feel then feel emotions. I have learned that it is my way of adapting. It is not a good way. It was a trap that grabbed me and held me tight. It kept me from interacting with others who have similar pain/s. As I recover from the damages of being trapped in another dank depression it will take time for me to figure out who I am.
My soul feels raw. Open. Ready. Yet, sleep grabs a hold of me. It is the only escape for me. It is not who I want to be. I think of stories and books that I want to write. Then I forget. So I started writing everything I wanted to remember down. Well, I have found myself trapped by the scattered papers, cards, and old journals.
My son finds me reading and scolds me telling me to ‘keep cleaning and stop wasting time’. Sadly, he learned those words from me just as I learned from my parents. It is genetic in more ways than one.
I dream of writing, but then remember that I was never good at grammar and writing. Spell check and Grammarly help remind me of what I do not know or remember. Then I am spiraling down into a triggered event that I fight not to return too. The fear of failure. The fear of not being good enough. The words rolling thru my head, but unable to be said or read.
Yet, as I lay in bed waiting for my pain to ease… one or more topics will keep my brain busy when my body needs to rest.
- I think of my pain and why nothing helps to stop it.
- I think of the horrors of this world and wish that they would stop.
- I think of ways to bring peace to our world by helping those around me.
- I think of teaching those that do not know.
- I think of the prayers I send out for all my friends and family.
- I think of the stories my soul wants to share.
Until I write again… Please, leave me helpful comments to help me find a way to organize my broken brain so that I can actually keep on topic with what I first started. I wonder if it is the PTSD meds that leave me so scattered or is it the PTSD itself. Lets, not forget all my pains from head to toe are why I take pain meds. I hate them… I get weird when I take them then I just sleep.